Weaker days

Listening to Rihanna's "What Now" while writing this post. The past few months had been hard on me. Crying is like a weekly thing to do. Problems with friends, boyfriend, family and myself, when everything is mix up together I just can't take. I burst into tears. 

Seeing tears falling makes me wanna cry. I just cried before. I cried in my room alone. Crying while trying to be quiet because I don't wanna anyone else to hear me. Lately, crying has been the easiest thing to happen to me. Even the slightest thing or issue can make me sad and I end up crying without me realizing. Everything is just too emotional right. Then I started to think that I am depress. 

I've taken a few depression test online. Not saying that I believe but most of the test saying I am at risk of having depression. One of the test said that I'm worried about judgement of others.

'When you experience a setback or problem in your life, one of the first things on your mind is what other people will think. Unfortunately, this attitude can lead you to feel worse about your problems than you need to. It also means that you may be less likely to seek comfort from others when you are in emotional pain'

Every single thing that stated there is the truth and I can agree with all of that. That is just who I am. I am born this way, how am I gonna change it ? My boyfriend always told not to blame myself when problems happen but how can I not blame myself if I'm the one who made the mistake. Then, who should I put the blame to ? If it's clearly my fault then I'm the one who should be blame. I should blame myself for what had happen. 

Yes, I am worried about judgement of others. I care of what other people might say about me. I just want people to like me. If the only way to make them happy is for me to suffer then I am willing to suffer it. It's probably not a big of a deal. I can deal with a little suffering. It's okay, I'll just keep everything inside me where nobody will know.

For now, I really hope to find somebody who can read me. One who understands me, knows everything that I want. I really need to find the thing I desire the most in life. He once asked me what's my goal in life and I don't know how to answer that.

I found a few depression blogger on tumblr and I see their scars and their pains. I did think of cutting myself, preferably the wrist. I tried once but I just can't harm myself. I'm afraid. I love my body and I can't punish my skin for what I have done. I just have to bear with it.

For now, how I really wish for having an eating disorder. I really need to lose weight because when I look in the mirror all I see is just fat and ugly me. I truly convince myself that I'm not beautiful not have great body. I tried to hold myself from eating but I just can't stop the hunger from coming. I regret every single bite that I eat. I wish I was bulimic so that I can throw up everything that I just ate. Every single food is making me look ugly and I hate it !

I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be fat. I'm screw. I'm tired of crying and trying to reach people to tell my stories. I just want them to come to me and figure everything themselves. I really need someone to comfort me. I'm thinking of a cursing word to write but I just can't because I don't curse. Cursing makes me feel filthy. 

I'm hoping for a better days ahead. Forgive me for I have sin. I shouldn't have done that.