Distance

Semester 2 has already started and just had two classes before. Now, I'm at home away from Unisel. The problem right now is I just feel like having  distance between me and my boyfriend. Although we're close but he's still far away from me. We haven't been texting much these days because he's super busy with his family business. He even rarely calls me. I felt like I don't have a boyfriend at all. Just me and myself. At times, I feel jealous at my friends that got to hang out with their boyfriends. Go watch movies, celebrate their anniversaries and stuff. I rarely have that chances. 

I feel sad. He is the first love of my life and I want him to be last one. I don't want anyone else besides him. Just me and him only, together and forever. But thing changes as time goes by. I want to call him, hear his voice before going to sleep but I know he's not gonna pick it up or just will be super busy. It's not that I don't like him being extra hard work while working but it just seems like he rarely have the time for me. I miss the old times where we text everyday, getting morning texts and goodnight texts, talk on the phone for hours until we're sleepy. Hmm things changes really fast. 

I want to do fun things with him. I've got a couple of list to do but I don't know if he wants to. He doesn't have a car for now so it's hard for us to hang out to go on a date. Jealousy came easily to me as I see other people get to be with their partner. Sometimes I feel like life isn't fair but that's just how life works, I guess. 

Does he still love me ? Does he still like me ? Am I boring for him ? Do I look ugly ? I hate this feeling. That feeling when your boyfriend rarely have the time for you. 

I'm sad. I get sad easily these days. I cry in my room. I cry a lot. I started to think that I have depression problem. At the end of 2013 was hard for me as that was the time where I'm the weakest. There was a time I cried everyday for a week. Everything's just so sad for me at that time. 

I cried yesterday. Just because I kept thinking that he's being far far away from me. I want to tell him all of this but then I'm afraid that he's gonna say that he's never make me happy. I hate it when he's being like that. Making me feel guilty and all. I don't know how to works this relationship. I just don't like to be in a boring relationship. It's like everybody knows I have a boyfriend but I just don't feel like I have one. 

Am I invincible to you ? He pays less attention to me right now and more focus at his friends, like I don't really matter to him and thinks that I will understand him. Shit just got real and I have to deal with the reality. 

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm alone, I'm unloved and feels insecure. No, I'm just depress to all of this shit. I feel like to yell and scream but I can't. 

I feel like punching you but I can't. I feel like hurting myself but I can't. I feel like to swear bad words but I can't. If only I can, I want to be hit by a car and hit my head on the road to forget all the painful memories. Suicide is never gonna be my choice because I love my life and myself. I love the people around me. I'm just a sad depress girl who cried almost about everything that can hurt me.