Saturday, March 8, 2014

Wasting hours


It's been a week I'm at home since mid-sem break started and I had not even touch my assignment yet. Worst part is I'm going back tomorrow. Yikes ! Luckily, I 'm going back a little early to school because of an unfinished TESL Methodology assignment and it's due on Tuesday. So, I guess I'll have to spare some time to do my assignments.

I forgot to mention, I'm in semester 2 doing degree TESL. Yeah, times do run fast and here I am walking slowly wasting time.

The past few days, I've been busy not with assignments but watching couple of movies and re-watching the ANTM 19 (American Next Top Model). Ahhh such a great time I had. I didn't even realize it's Friday already and I'm going back on Saturday. Such a dumbo ! Dumbo o' noeanna. 

I've been struggling with few problems and it's been bothering me ever since and I don't like that. I'm trying to throw away all my bad feelings and emotions out but it just seems doesn't work. The more alone I am, the more I think. And it's making me getting headache and I don't like it. Crying is also normal these days. If I'm at UNISEL right now, I'd be tearing my arms until bloods come out. I love the feel of pain. Makes me feel relieved all of sudden. 

Unfortunately, I'm at home and the only knife that I see is only the kitchen knife. I wouldn't dare to use that. How am I supposed to take it to my bedroom. Mum will totally be suspicious. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to worry. I just can't wait to get back and start tearing. That's how I deal with stress. Well, enough of that.

It's 1:00 am. Okay bye. Gonna continue watching Harry Potter :)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Thantophobia

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I don't know how to write this but I have to write about this. Because if I don't, I will just let it keep inside of me. I don't really share my problems with. Just now, recently, I always spill it out to my boyfriend. He's my best friend right now. I tell him everything and he tells me everything; there's no secret between us.

I want to cry but I hold on to it. A few months ago, I got so depressed that I started to self-cut. I've stop for a while after telling my boyfriend about it. He doesn't wants to see me hurting myself. And now, the urge to cut has come again. I can't breathe. 

It hurts to know the fact that you can't be with your love one. Bye

Somewhere over the rainbow


It's March and hazy. I've not been writing for so long. The post before was just lyrics of a song that I like. So, here I am writing in my bedroom at home. I'm at semester 2 for my degree and it's mid-sem break right now. Got a whole week of empty hours. I'm getting fat back. 63 kg. Yeah, my weight sucks. Totally a fat girl. I'm 164 cm and weigh almost 63 kg. My weight life is pretty much heavy. Though, my parents think that I look okay; not too fat or obese, I look just average for my height. Well, you know what I want ? I want to see 50 kg when I put my feet on the scale before 21 April. I really need to get my ass workout !

It's been